Shatter

This has not been an easy week. I'm struggling in writing this, and I'm certain I will continue to struggle painfully through it. I want to write these feelings off as the typical induced misery I always feel after spending time with him. Heightened by the fact I became terribly ill the second I left his side. Tonsillitis, Strep. I take my punishment- and my sins are duly noted. I have literally crawled through the week. I know it is all of that- but its more. I've realized something:
I hate myself.
I don't like this person I've become. This secretive deceitful person. This girl who is always watching the clock, keeping hours, counting days. That my unhappiness washes over me in waves that are pulling me under, drowning me. It is harder to hide my want from the world. My friends are concerned for me. I'm afraid it's affecting my daughter. I'm afraid that I am so lost in myself I'll miss doing what I need to do, when I need to do it. I'm afraid I'll do nothing and I'll live in this place forever. This place that is so safe, this place that is so totally not me. I feel as if I am living someone else's life. I realize people would be happy for my world, my life- so why can I sweep my eyes across everything I own, and everything I am- and decide that I could pack it all into one suitcase and never feel as if I left anything behind?
I should be somewhere, doing something. In moments like this I want to take my nursing to other countries. Treat disaster and devastation. Lose myself in the pain of the people. Pour myself into work and be faced with how really my pain is so small, so insignificant.
I want an easy answer. An easy way out. I don't want to hurt people anymore. I want to stop being everything to everyone and start believing I can be something to me. I want to give second chances that I don't want to give. I want small spaces filled with books and quirky artwork.
I want his hands on me without wondering if they'll ever be on me again, or if I'll succeed in pushing him away. I want to be my own person, with my own life- so when I give to him I'm giving him the real deal- the rawness of me, not just the foundation.

I want the defining moment, the instant when I know it's okay to move forward. I want to know it will all fall together. That I won't shatter worlds.