Bad girl

Still awake, restless and true to nature- my mood has changed completely.
I know it's because I miss him. It has been about 15 hours since I took him to the airport-
and it seems like weeks. The emptiness that it creates makes me want to do bad things. Misbehave. Make him angry. I'm not sure why. In my fantasies I anger him- so he flies back out here after he finishes business tomorrow and tells me where to meet him, what time and what to wear only. His voice is cold and hard like it gets when he's angry with me. He used it Friday night when he was upset with me and told me to take my hands off him and put them at my sides. When he said he didn't want me touching him. It cuts me to my very core. But it also makes me wet. I enjoy his rage. Provoking him. In this fantasy he is brutal with me, he uses me with no regards to my feelings. I am nothing to him. He uses me, beats me for his pleasure only then throws me out. Tells me he is done with me and my games. It ends here- because my mind doesn't want to contemplate ever really being in that place. That place where I disgust him to the point he no longer wishes to own me. I know this isn't realistic. He would never punish me with pain- I enjoy his pain too much. My punishments are the withdrawal of his affection. I haven't earned that yet- but I've been threatened. I would hate that. He also would never not be concerned with my feelings. He always cares about how I feel, and takes those feelings into consideration. But still a part of me craves his rage, even as I fear it. Maybe it is just a part of wanting to be certain I really don't have control over this relationship. I am so use to actively taking control I fear that part of me surfacing. But I feel so owned right now. I really do belong to him. So why do I have these feelings? I love being his good girl... the fact that he is slowly adding tasks for me to do- because I'm not wasting his time. I'm progressing, I'm following through. There is pride in his voice when he talks to me. I want to crush it, beat it down. Make him disgusted with me. I want him to tell me he doesn't need me, that I am nothing to him. I want to be his everything and earn the privilege of wearing the beautiful collar he has gifted me with. I don't get it. I don't even want to post this. Us parting is hard enough, but I know when he reads this, if he chooses to read it- some of our weekend will be tainted. He'll be disappointed in me. But I'd rather deal with that then to keep my feelings masked from him. He has earned every single one of them. I attempt to give them to him- as real and as raw as I'm able. It's not right this urge to test him- on the slope of everything he gave to me this weekend. It makes me feel unworthy and hopelessly me-centered. This post will certainly not bring him pleasure. But I know if I want him to fix me- I need to be an active participant. So this is it. I want to be bad. And I know if he was next to me, with his hands on me it would quiet the urge completely. He would slap my smart mouth, tease me about my always dripping cunt and everything else just fades away.
The distance is getting harder. Crossing the bridge from wanting him to needing him is tough for me. I'm not a girl that has ever needed much. I think this is mostly about that. This foreign achy need that I can't quiet- but refuse to feed. I'm not certain how much longer I can live like this. I'm not certain how long he will live like this- and that more than anything, truly scares me.