Hovering

...her eyes flutter like a butterfly hovering,

there are distractions, there are complications.

She settles them.

She dreams she can touch the universe and its blackness,

that she can fall into the stars and become nothing.

-V.

He wrote this to me in April. Even that early in our relationship- He knew me. My demons. My ghosts. My need and fear to feel. Sometimes I am still amazed. He knows me on this innate level. Knowing me is natural to him. He doesn't have to try. I have never been good at expressing myself, letting go of my feelings and emotions- but it doesn't matter. He reads my silences. He probes my words. I am naked before him- I can't hide anything. Being vulnerable like this is terribly hard for me. I have never lacked attention, but this is a different type all together. He literally misses nothing about me. I am both unsettled and ecstatic he finds me worthy of his attentions. It makes me want to give more to him. I still hold pieces back though. Maybe I always will. It is crunch time right now though. I need to make decisions that need to be made. Yes. There are decisions he refuses to make for me- that I need to make on my own. For myself. I'm making strides. Slow strides. I've told him even when able- I would never live with him. True to myself I contradict those statements with daydreams of invading his spaces with my stuff. Doing his laundry, fixing his meals. Waiting for him to return home from business. Working hospital shifts that accommodate his schedule. Just in case I'm starting to sound sappy- let me add he's beating me throughout these daydreams.. *G